REFLECTIONS OF MYSELF.

I don’t know where to begin. I’m scared. And I’ve been trying and trying. I’ve been pushing myself so hard. But I’m starting to wonder if it will ever go away. Will I be trying to block this out for my whole life? I really don’t want it to affect me more than it already has. But I can’t handle it sometimes. I swear I’ve tried so many techniques to try to stay positive. But it only works temporarily. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want this to change who I would’ve been in the future. The fact that I’ll never forget this scares me so much. I just feel like I need something protecting me all the time. I feel like such a baby. The world just keeps smothering me while I’m barely able to gasp for air. I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes because there are so many questions I have unanswered. Why does this shit keep happening to me? Have I done something to deserve this? Is the world just trying to destroy me or something? Fuck I hate people. I hate the way you never really know what someones thinking or who they really are. I’m actually scared of people. I’m scared of my future and who I might meet and who to trust. I’m scared of people thinking of me as used goods. I’m just hoping with everything I have that one day everything will be okay. I’m hoping that these back pains go away and that I stop having nightmares. I’m hoping that one day i will stop being quiet and anxious at work and around people. I’m hoping I stop having flash backs and start gaining strength. I hate being sad, I just want to shake myself and tell myself to snap out of it. Oh what the fuck to do. I have a little bit of faith but it’s not much. The stress of waiting for this court case is unbearable.

It’s all coming back. Yet this time it feels worse, as though it’s making up for the time that it left. I don’t want to be this fraction of myself anymore. I want to be all of me. I want to feel everything instead of just one thing.

I hate that I’m starting to get used to it again. It’s a horrible thing to live with. No matter where I am or who I’m with, it just won’t budge. It won’t allow me to feel genuine happiness even when I’m with my closest friends. Everytime I force that smile, there’s a puddle of tears being forced in. It follows me around all day and then swallows me at night. Sleeping is the only thing that temporarily makes it disappear but doing so in the first place is a challenge itself. Waking up is almost just as bad because everyday is the same as the rest.

I’m tired of being alone, even when I’m surrounded by people. Though I don’t know if I’ll ever gain the courage to tell anyone about any of this. People can try to understand it but the truth is, they never will unless they’ve been through it themselves.

I hate how unreliable you are. It’s like I know I can’t trust everything that comes out of your mouth because it’s never guaranteed. And I wish I didn’t have to think like that. You know sometimes I’ll have a really shit day and then you’ll say you’re going to call and I’ll get happy because I want to talk to you and get my mind off things for a while. But then I’ll wait and you’ll never call. And then I’ll cry myself to sleep because I’ll have all this shit going through my mind that I can’t deal with and you’ll just top it all off.

I’m sick of waiting. It’s something I’ve been doing my whole life, in general. Although in this situation, I’m scared. I’m scared of being hurt in the same ways I have in the past due to the high hopes I build up inside my mind. I’m trying to keep them low this time and not get too involved in my surroundings but it’s hard. I’m just too used to doing so now though, it’s something I’ve become overly comfortable with and therefore it’s going to be even harder to change this habit. I don’t want to continue waiting anymore for something that may never end up happening. But then again, I don’t know what the future holds either. If I continue waiting, I may just get what I want. Yet theres a chance it could go the opposite way and this is what bothers me. It’s always lingering at the back of my mind and I feel the need to push this feeling away though this will only be possible if I take action at once and let it all go. If I ignore what I have now and lose all interest in whatever this is. And that’s the other problem, I want to know what it is. I want a straight answer for once. I want to know what I am in this situation and where I stand. Yet I’m not going to ask for the answers. I’ll wait a while longer and see if they come to me because they will if they need to and if it’s meant to be. And if they don’t come to me, that’s my answer and it’s a clear one. It’ll show me that I don’t need to stick around and wait any longer. And seriously, fuck waiting forever. I’m over being that person. I’m over having my time wasted as I have in similar situations before. But most of all, I’m over having this on my mind constantly. All I have to decide now is how much more time I’ll keep on the line because soon the ticking will get to me and that will be it.

lianatomassini asked: Your last post was amazing liv. Just fucking amazing

Thankyou so much baby! I love you.

pretty-roses-sharp-thorns asked: your blog is so amazing! wow, i just got so much respect for you, your inspirational.

Thankyou so much! Same for you, I just went through your blog and omg, it is so fucking amazing, I love everything you write! Heaps of it reminds me of myself in so many ways.

Once again I’m in this position,

Slowly changing my inhibitions,

Why can’t you mention your intentions,

When we both know that there’s sexual tension.

When we get close,

Is when my heart knows,

That you’re making me an addict,

I need another dose.

Just hope you’re not pretending,

Cause my heart ain’t made for lending and bending,

It’s the one thing that I’m dreading,

Cause you know I never want this ending.

But don’t tell me if you are a fake,

Don’t want heart ache for fuck sake,

I’d rather live in denial than an emotional earthquake,

Cause lets face it, then I’d rather be dead than awake.

Wish you didn’t feed me security and confidence,

Cause deep down I know you’re full of ignorance,

Don’t want these feelings to become past tense,

But at the same time I do, when will this confusion make sense.

Wish you didn’t consume me with all you have so subtly,

Want to walk away so easily but I feel controlled, fucking let me be,

I hate that without you I don’t feel like me,

Going insane, stop making me needy.

Repeatedly wishing that somehow you knew,

I only want it to be us two,

At the same time I don’t cause I hate you, it’s true,

But what I hate more is that I fucking love you so fuck you.

A couple of nights ago, my bestfriend Liana and I went to a friends house to get stoned. It had been a while since we’d both smoked weed so we got stoned quite quickly. After a few hours of being there, we decided to leave and walk to mcdonalds as the munchies were kicking in. Once we arrived after the long walk, I ruined my diet which was going very well, by eating fatty food. Although at the time, I was too fucked to care. After we had finished eating at around 3am, we decided to go on the childrens playground. We were extremely scared though, as we thought there may be some kind of creature/hobo waiting inside for us so each time we entered, we screamed and ran out. We finally decided to overcome our fears and went in, ready for a nice adventure. I felt a little like a child again, but it was different this time. The playground was huge and kind of felt spooky but at the same time it was funny. After exploring everything inside, we slid down the slide, ready to go home. We knew it was a long walk back but we entertained ourselves by walking in the middle of the road, recording ourselves singing along to “bolavard of broken dreams” by green day. After we had finished recording, we continued walking down the main road and saw a car driving towards us although it was about to turn into a street so we took no notice. That is, untill the fucking psycho freak inside the car changed his mind. The car had stopped and decided not to turn. Instead, it turned towards us, put it’s headlights on and sped towards us as fast as it possibly could. We screamed and ran for our lives down a side street where we hid in a bush. We were lucky to be alive as the car was extremely close to hitting us. We heard the car speed off and a little relief came over me untill we soon heard it turn around in an attempt to look for us. We knew we needed to find somewhere safer to hide as the spot we were already in was too open to we walked further up the street we were in although soon heard the car’s engine again. We ran into someone’s front yard and hid behind another few bushes. We saw the car drive up towards where we were. It then stopped, turned and drove off somewhere else. We were not convinced that it had stopped looking for us though, we were just lucky it hadn’t seen us at that point in time. Our hearts were beating a million times per second and many thoughts were running through my mind. I thought of the possibility of the person inside the car ditching the car somewhere and then walking around to find us himself to either rape us or do something else horrible. I also thought of him calling up a bunch of people to help him find us. At least I think it was a “he”. I imagined him being some old guy that looks like the typical serial killer in horror movies. What kind of sick freak would try to run over two innocent young girls?! Liana and I continued hiding where we were for quite a while as we were too scared to walk anywhere else. Being stoned didn’t help too, it only made us more paranoid than we already were. When we finally decided to leave, we had to hide everytime we heard a car engine as we knew that freak was so determined to get us. Instead of walking on the main road, which was the easy way to get home, we had to walk through many back streets which took twice as long. But we made it without getting abducted. I will never, ever forget that image in my head of that car zooming towards us. I hope that crazy cunt gets what he deserves.

a-broken-silence asked: I know this is a bit random, and you will probably think I'm a freak but.. I think you are beautiful :)

(ps. In reply to your comment on my post about Girl, Interrupted: Haha when I read your post about your experience at the hospital it reminded me of the movie aswell.. It really is an amazing movie but quite sad. I hope your stay there wasn't too scary, and that you're okay xx.)

Wow you are going to think I am the biggest weirdo :S Haha oh well..

Thankyou so much, that is possibly one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me even though I disagree. Dont worry, I don’t think you’re a freak or a weirdo at all. You seem like a really kind, amazing person. If anything, I’m the biggest weirdo out haha.

I watched Girl, Interrupted again after coming out of hospital and it brought back so many memories of being there. But yeah, it really is one of the best movies ever! And thanks :) it wasn’t very scary after a while of getting used to it and sometimes I still have dreams about it and the patients there.

Once again, thanks heaps :). ♥

madeleinelizabeth-deactivated20 asked: i really love everything you post :)

Thankyou so much, it means a lot! :)